The Wedding Blues

Today wasn’t necessarily a “sad day” just as it was an uneventful day, and then my own brain decided to throw in a little solemnity. 

Well, for those who don’t know, my boyfriend and I are kind of considering marriage. Crazy, right? Sure is! But that’s not what weirds me out. What makes me sad about this is the fact that I’m a sort of dreamer when it comes to weddings/receptions. Normally, I think in highly practical ways. I never think about things that are completely improbable. A reception is an entirely different story. 

I am a princess at heart. I’ve always been like this, but I set my expensive tastes aside for things that are simultaneously practical and inexpensive. 

I dream of having a beautiful Tangled-themed reception, except instead of a pink/purple/gold color scheme, have a red/gold/pink, and have a lot of tangled references within the wedding. I’ve already found a tutorial for some adorable lanterns (http://tinyurl.com/c97nekl) that could be painted gold and red or gold and pink, and my friend and I have been working on figuring out how Jared and I could have our own lantern-lighting thing outside. As you’ve probably seen, I’m an artist, and so I plan on doing a lot of Tangled-themed art with Jared and I as the subjects. I’ll frame them in gold frames and put them on the tables alongside roses and the lantern jars. The tables will also have tea lights to create some nice lighting, a little shimmer against the glasses and china.

My aunt does catering, and would probably cater the reception for free just as a wedding gift, so I’m not worried about that. She even has fancy plates that I love, so… I’ve almost got that covered. I just worry about all the other things I have ideas for.

I’ve even got an idea for what I want the location to be like. I refuse to have a normal Utah wedding where you get in your local Mormon church building and pretend that you’re not dancing on top of a bunch of lines from a combination basketball/volleyball court and that the hoops themselves are actually just decorations from the building… I want a fantastic building like Noah’s (http://mynoahs.com/), where you can drape chiffon from the ceiling and have it accent your center point, where you can dim the lights so everything seems mildly romantic and amazing, like you’re actually outside where the lanterns have been lit and the atmosphere is amazing. I want a wedding where people will come in and be amazed. I want them to never forget it.

I imagine my hair in a half-up/half-down braided crown with a gold tiara on top, and the veil coming down from the base of the braided part. I’ve chosen a few dresses that I’m absolutely in love with, and my friend (aka schitzophrenicrainbows.tumblr.com) made me a fantastic red cloak with the most soft velvet I think I’ve ever felt. My bridesmaids dresses have essentially already been picked out, and are absolutely gorgeous. I found an inexpensive, yet darling ring that I hope I can unsuspiciously thrust upon my boyfriend should he decide to propose.

Fact of it is, I’ve got all of this planned out in my head. It’s been this way long before I even knew who my boyfriend was, and I love it. The only problem? Now that it’s almost a reality; now that I can practically taste the engagement on the horizon… 

I realize that I’m poor. I don’t have any money to make this happen, and although I do have relatives, and although I do have people who care… It instantly puts the power in their hands. It won’t be my wedding anymore. It’ll be Lisa and Jared… and Everyone else who stuck their hands in my wedding pie.

I guess I’m just nervous. I don’t think I can do it. And I worry that because of that, I’ll have to settle for either a reception with everyone else’s ideas except my own, or the stereotypical “Utah” reception; basketball court with a few uncovered plastic tables and the “WONDERFUL” fluorescent lighting. 

Obviously I have time to worry about this. It’s just hitting me harder than ever tonight and I needed to rant it out.

So I'm finally gonna bring it up.

For some, this won't be much of a surprise. For others, it'll be the strangest thing ever to hear from my lips/blog.

But I think, if things go the way they're headed, I'll probably be engaged by the end of this summer.

I don't want to sit here and say "Jared Dalton is the most unique and amazing person I've ever met and it's true love and he's Mr. Right and lalalalalala~" because that's not necessarily the case.

He's the realistic portrait of whom I want to marry. He's sweet, he's caring, and he's loyal. He's trusting and kind, almost to an unbelievable level. I love him. He's also logical and realistic. We have similar styles of humor, we know things about each other that we wouldn't tell anyone else. My Jared knows how to communicate clearly. He's smart and I could tell him anything. He compliments me when I feel my worst AND when I feel my best. He knows me and treats me like a human being-- no... like a princess, a daughter of God, should be treated.

That is only half of Jared.

He isn't very intuitive. He can't tell when I'm happy or sad most of the time unless I tell him how I feel. He has a failure complex - He can't handle feeling like he's failed something. He has some self-esteem issues and can be incredibly awkward at times. He can be pretty gullible, too.

I'm not expecting this to be an easy choice, but it's one I want to make. I want to spend eternity with him.


Anyway, the main reason this came up was because my Grandpa told me that he thinks Jared is the right match for me. I went to my grandpa to ask him what he thought of Jared, and to my surprise, my grandpa had apparently already long decided that Jared was an excellent man to have in our family.

We had a touching conversation, and both of us nearly cried in joy. My grandpa is an astoundingly wonderful man. I couldn't imagine marrying someone he didn't approve of, and knowing that he thinks Jared is good, just makes me giddy.

Watch out world! I'mma be a Dalton soon enough!

Education.

Today's post was, yet again, Facebook-Inspired.

This is Sean. He is my boyfriend's brother. He's a pretty big nerd, like unto his wife, Jared, and myself.

He posted this status today and I couldn't help but think about college. What makes it a waste and what makes it beneficial?

I chose to go to art school because I don't have to take a bunch of stupid classes that don't apply to my major. I pretty much am/will be taking 80% Animation-directed classes, and 20% general classes. Because I know that I definitely WANT to be an animator, this is an ideal course of study. I don't end up wasting two years of my life taking classes that don't really help me. I'm mostly taking classes that will directly help me in my field of study. Yes I have a few generals. I am taking a history class next term. But in proportion to the other classes? My generals are cake.

I don't know Sean's situation, but I know that Jared, his brother, has a similar feeling toward college. I used to have the same feeling until I started going to a college that actually helps me out. As far as I know, Jared has this feeling because he is stuck taking classes that he doesn't think he can pass. For Sean, I'm not sure. But I understand Jared's thought process. Why dig yourself into debt and fail? (Also, Jared is a little directionless. Why dig yourself into debt following a path if you don't even know where you want to go?)

College seems to be this big demanding thing. "You HAVE to go to college if you want to be successful."

I think what is lacking here in this statement is the definition of success. For me, success is being happy. Success is being able to say that you are happy with where your life is at that given moment in time.

Happiness can be money, in which case, college is probably going to be necessary. For others, happiness is having a family and raising kids, in which case you don't need a college degree to get pregnant. (Although still, I would recommend having a good job if you're going to have kids.)

I'm not saying that college is a waste of time. I'm just saying that college should only be important to those who need it or those who benefit from it. Yes, I think people need a higher education to make good money nowadays, but I don't think people should make it seem like an absolute necessity to have a college education. 

I dunno. What's your view?

The Good, the Bad, and the Peaceful.

Yesterday was a fantastic day. March 1st, 2012 should have gone down in history for me as one of the best days ever. Though I was in severe pain for most of it, Jared (AKA the Boyface) came over to help me cope with it. Most of the day was spent watching Buffy, playing Phase 10, and eating ice cream with Jared. Definitely a good day.

The reason it ISN'T going down in history for me is because of what happened today.

I logged onto facebook about a half hour ago to discover an old friend from elementary school had added me. I had sent the request months ago while in a nostalgic mood and hadn't made a point to get around to deleting the request. We hadn't spoken in years, and even when we did attend the same elementary school, we didn't exactly hang out with the same people. As a matter of fact, he was the popular kid who had a ton of friends, and I was the new girl who showed up halfway through fourth grade and didn't have any friends. We had to share a desk in fourth grade because I had just moved there, and there were no other desks. I remember having the biggest crush on him. If you read my journals from when I was that young, everything is his name scribbled out between words I wasn't quite sure how to use yet. Even through our acquaintanceship, the effect he had on me was truly one that had lasted through even junior high and high school. I remembered feeling like my life had been lived when I finally was able to muster up the courage to ask for a hug on the last day of sixth grade, the last day I would ever see him again. I left Upland to attend El Roble Intermediate. He went to Pioneer. We never saw each other again, but he was still a huge factor in my life for fourth, fifth, and sixth grade, and although we never really even talked, he still meant a lot to me. These memories passed by in my head in an instant. I looked at the screen and thought to myself, "Maybe I should just delete him. We probably have both moved on since elementary school."

But of course, I was curious to see what he had done with his life since 2005 when we both left Sycamore Elementary of Upland, California. If I was going to delete him, I might as well just.. have my moment to facebook stalk. Quietly see how the years had treated him like they treated me, and then move on.

I should have seen how odd it was that he finally accepted my request. In the end, it wasn't him who added me as a friend. It was his sister.

The second I clicked on his page, I sensed something was amiss. As I glanced around the page, I could hardly breathe. Several phrases stood out to me as my eyes scrolled over the wall posts flooding his page.
"Miss you."
"Love you."
"You were a great friend."
"RIP."

I sat in awe. Had... Had my first crush really... died? What had happened over the years for someone to die so young?

I went through the posts, hoping someone would have said something that could shed some light. They all sounded pretty much average, not letting out details, but hinting to some sort of "this should teach everyone a lesson."

I sat in shock, unsure of what to do. I looked around. The last time I'd seen posts like this was when Jordan Roberts killed himself and everyone talked about how his suicide was a lesson to all those involved in a similar situation. I looked around but didn't see anyone regretting to help him. That is usually a big sign that it was a suicide.

It wasn't until I regained some bit of brain function that I remembered that Google exists now and spent what felt like hours (and was actually only five minutes) finding an article about his death.

No, he hadn't committed suicide, but the autopsy hasn't been done yet so I can't factually tell you how he died. But I did find a helpful article that explains what happened in ways that aren't even registering with me yet.

You can read it here if you so choose.

So, RIP Kenny Beck. I'm sorry it had to end this way, but at least now the worst is over.

I'm a person who has been lucky enough that the graces of death have only distantly touched my life, however, I still find it awkward to just continue life as if theirs had not been taken.

For those who might see me today, please don't be awkward if you find me wearing a lot of black and not speaking much. For those who want to do something about this, please don't. It's my giving-respect-to-an-old-friend time.

I just can't believe he's gone.