To Be Known

I had once regarded fame as something I'd be thankful for, something I'd take with stride and happiness. Who wouldn't? Isn't the concept of fame inherently good? I mean, yes, granted there have been many examples in film and television that prove that there are negative sides to being known and having others know who you are. These interpretations, however, seem to have not deterred the lust for prominence, at least, not in myself. Why do I continue to tempt well perceived and understood boundaries? I am famous in a small circle on tumblr, and even though this popularity is, in any case, in the smallest sense, I have activated some odd crippling social anxiety I didn't know existed before.

I, in the most normal of situations, would not hesitate to ask someone about their life, their world, their everything. So why, suddenly, do I feel the need to worry about every little thing?

My sudden burst into this world of knowing-people-who-are-well-known-on-the-internet is weird. I've never felt so worried about everything. Even my stomach begins to flip in circles over the idea of now being socially involved with those whom I previously regarded as having higher stature over me. I never know what to say now, my mind consistently drawing blanks whenever I am addressed. I get these sudden paranoia fits that they think I'm awful or clingy or weird. I panic, in the lightest sense, and never feel accomplished in the conversation. Even long after the conversations are over, I feel like I've just made a complete fool of myself. I can't breathe, my mind goes empty, everything turns black and I just don't know what to do.

So tell me, world, how can a girl who once would never hesitate to make new friends, suddenly be so afraid to be around people? To feel like I was accepted by people I only dreamed of becoming friends with?

I feel like I've achieved the elementary schoolgirl's dream. I'm suddenly in the "popular" crowd. I have made friends with the big kids on the playground, and now all I can think to do is crawl up in a ball and pretend that they can't see me, because if they could, then they'd see how I'm more of an interference than a help to this little group of friends.

Its like I lost all ability to function normally.

Fumbling and Such.

This week was supposed to be happy-making and enjoyable, but rather it just kind of opened up a new can of worms in almost every situation that was supposed to be fun.

1. My wedding ring.

My wedding ring came into the jewelers! Unfortunately, instead of rose gold, it apparently came in with some nasty brown color. I didn't see it, but that's what the jeweler told us when we called to ask about the ring. I have become friends with this girl that is kind of our... consultant, I guess, when it comes to this ring, and I trust her when she says that she's trying her best to get our ring in on time. It's still kind of a bummer, though, that we can't get my ring yet.

2. My wedding dress.

Today, we went to get my dress and it looks great, and fits me well. But the only problem is that the waist on it goes a little higher on me, naturally, but this causes my boobs to push down on the waist part in the middle. The only way to fix this is to make the dress bigger, or for me to lose weight. and thinking about losing weight stresses me out, which only causes me to stress-eat and GAIN weight. But that didn't stop my mom from making that comment every five seconds.

3. Engagement picture fiasco

Engagement pictures were fun, but I was stressed out by having to be in the cold for them for so long. (It was cold and rainy when we went.) Now my fingers have that frostbitten feeling and it hasn't left yet. I talked to my grandma and she said "Ah. That sounds like what happened to me, and your mom when we were your age." and i was like what????? and then she said "Yeah arthritis runs in our family. sorry. that might be it. Or maybe you pulled something. But it's probably arthritis." and I was just like ugh. Not to mention, I have a UTI so now i"m like UGHHH NOOO HATRED. PAIN. Unfortunately, these are all linked to my genetics of weak bladders and terrible joints, so I guess I can blame my family? lol


Anyway that's essentially what's on my mind.

Re-watching and Working on a Collection

So after an amazing trip to DI yesterday, I decided I was going to attempt to collect all the Disney Princess movies. I actually ended up finding four of them at DI for a dollar each. A DOLLAR EACH. THAT'S SO COOL. Not to mention, they were original VHS tapes. Call me a hipster, but that's so cool to me. Like, I know how VHS is old news and everything is DVD/Blu-Ray now, but I still have a working VHS player. WHY SHOULDN'T I USE IT?

Anyway, I bought seven VHS's. Sleeping Beauty, The Little Mermaid, Hunchback of Notre Dame, Aladdin, Mouse Hunt, Anastasia, and Beauty and the Beast. Four of those are official-line-up Disney Princesses. The rest are just awesome!

So far, from the princess movies, I am just a few away from finishing the whole collection. I have Snow White, Aurora, Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Pocahontas, and Rapunzel. I just need Cinderella, Mulan, and Tiana to finish the collection! SO CLOSE.

Well, tonight I tried to sleep, to no avail. I found myself just laying in bed, facing my insomnia head on without anything to at least keep me entertained while I ride it out. I decided to pull out my princess movies and start watching.

I've re-watched Little Mermaid, Hunchback of Notre Dame, and Beauty and the Beast. Now I'm working on Tangled, though it's obviously not a VHS.

In an odd way, I've sort of reaffirmed that I like Tangled the most out of all the princess movies. By watching the older ones, I've realized what I don't like about them. They're sweet princesses, but...

Ariel has always bothered me. She seems so selfish, and acts like the worst kind of teenager. She's stubborn and will do things on a whim, despite being advised against what she's facing. Because of her actions, she puts others in danger and doesn't seem to equate the bad situations to her own actions. I guess I mean that she doesn't seem to see the consequences of her actions and how they affect others. She doesn't accept her due blame, and it makes me feel like she's just entitled and conceited.

Belle is definitely more likable than Ariel, in my book. Belle seems to be resourceful and genuine. Belle seems to have consideration for others and I love that she has an appreciation for books and literacy. I feel like out of all the princesses, she's probably one of the smartest. Although she can kind of get herself into danger due to her trying to help others, I feel like the fact that she wants to make sure others are in good situations makes her a better person. She still felt kind of bland though. I don't know what it was, but I think that she didn't have enough that defined her as a person other than these two things. Books, and being nice.

Anyway. I'm gonna finish watching my movie! Mother Gothel just found the princess crown in Rapunzel's tower, and this is where the fun part begins.

Welp.

I haven't written in a while. A long while. And I apologize for that. Sincerely.

My birthday is in six days and the Future Husband's birthday is in three. How awesome are we that we have birthdays so close to one another?

Anyway, on a side note, I've made it an amazing little hobby of finding out where girls got their wedding dresses. I've discovered four dresses of four different girls thus far, using minute details about the girls and their dresses, and have continued on with lightning speed at finding these things out. I've found a few based on designers, and others because of complete accidents, but one way or another, I've found I'm really good at this wedding-dress-finding game.

Now I just can't wait until someone figures out where my dress comes from <3 The best part is? You'll never find it. It's been discontinued and I will be the last girl to wear this dress from this store. It's not even on their website anymore.

Life has reached a point where I just can't. I know for a lot of you that probably doesn't make sense. If you're a tumblr person and have any sense of fandom, you'll realize immediately what this means.

I can't. It's not the usually fandom-induced "I can't." Instead it's the fragile real-life-is-beckoning I can't.

I'm quitting my job. I nearly broke my ribs, lost my voice, and have put on so much stress-related weight that it's not even funny. I can't.


For a little commentary on things outside of my own life, I find that the world is still spinning, which is weird. Time has seemed to stand completely still for the last few months and although I kind of knew that life has been happening all this time for everyone else, I don't think I fully realized it until my brothers started school, my friends in California went back to college, and I skipped school to take a mental health day.

Life is weird the way it never stops until you're gone.

Baby's First Bridal Show

Why do Fill-in-the-Blank baby books always stop at like... year two? I don't think I've ever seen a baby book go past maybe age four at the most.

This comes up mostly because I recently had the chance to look through my Grandma's office supplies to steal a few school supplies for my Creative Writing class. (Namely a notebook and a legal pad) During my rummaging, I stumbled upon an old book. It was grey with a silver border around the cover of it. It was no bigger than an average children's book, if not smaller than one. I opened it up.

It was the baby book of my great-grandmother, dated back to 1925. The book had different sections for different stages of a son or daughter's life that you could fill in with your own information. Though there weren't many pages, the book went up to the day the child got married. I thought that was neat.

I mean, think about it. They're still your child regardless of how old they are. Shouldn't every achievement be special?

As I thought about this, I kind of laughed to myself about titling everything "Baby's first _______"

baby's first haircut
baby's first steps
baby's first words
baby's first day at school
baby's first friendships
baby's first day at junior high
baby's first best friend
baby's first boyfriend/girlfriend
baby's first time getting dumped.
baby's first graduation day
baby's first day at college


Just imagine a baby doing all those things. I laughed really hard at the idea of my first bridal show going into a baby book.

Well that leads into my next part. I'm going to a bridal show tomorrow with my future sister-in-law, Jessica, and I'm pretty stoked. I'm so stoked, I can't even sleep. How counterproductive, right?

Anyway. Jared's at work all night, and I feel kind of bad for him. This is one of three graveyard shifts he has to pull and I can't help but hope that he isn't permanently put on as the night auditor. I can tell it kind of vaguely pulls him off his mental cycle, and although I'm sure he could adjust over time, for now it's very much not a fun time for him.

Pull together, my love! :(

This is my Theme Song

Come on, come on
You have got to move on
This is not the you i know
This isn't real
It's just all you can feel
And that's the way that feelings go
And whether or not it's right or wrong you'll do what you will do

When the cloud in the sky starts to pour
And your life is just a storm you're braving
Don't tell yourself you can't lean on someone else
Cause we all need saving sometimes

Say what you will but the time that we fill
While we're on the earth
Should not be alone
We were meant to be known
You make me what i'm worth
But i can't keep you from yourself; you'll do what you will do

When the cloud in the sky starts to pour
And your life is just a storm you're braving
Don't tell yourself you can't lean on someone else
Cause we all need saving sometimes

I don't know why it has to be this way and
I don't know the cure
But please believe someone has felt this before

When the cloud in the sky starts to pour
And your life is just a storm you're braving
Don't tell yourself you can't lean on someone else
Cause we all need saving sometimes

I found this song while shopping at the mall a few weeks back. Usually when I hear songs that I like, I type out some of the lyrics into my phone and save it as a draft. Then later, I look up the lyrics and find out the song.

I'm glad I looked them up. Most times, I just ignore the drafts after a while. But I looked this one up.

I feel like this song describes me perfectly. 

I'm so glad I've got it now :)

Living Life is the Best Choice I Ever Made

I've been spending the last week preparing for my new set of classes that start next week and all while doing so I've been dreading going back to school. Summer break is over? WHY? Not to mention, last semester was a total failure, so I'm definitely not excited for them to tell me that I essentially failed. But, I have to keep going to school, otherwise I'll be a sad camper when I wake up in the Summer of 2015 and realized I could have graduated at that point.

I've just been thinking about how busy I've been, and it makes me realize that... It might suck being so busy all the time, but at the same time, I'd go crazy just being locked up at home. I look at a lot of people I know and wonder how they can stand just sitting around the house all day, doing nothing and having no life outside of their little homes/apartments/general living spaces.

I mean, I don't have many friends at the moment, but at least I'm doing something to further my future.


I can't wait to graduate from school.... eghhhhh....