To Be Known

I had once regarded fame as something I'd be thankful for, something I'd take with stride and happiness. Who wouldn't? Isn't the concept of fame inherently good? I mean, yes, granted there have been many examples in film and television that prove that there are negative sides to being known and having others know who you are. These interpretations, however, seem to have not deterred the lust for prominence, at least, not in myself. Why do I continue to tempt well perceived and understood boundaries? I am famous in a small circle on tumblr, and even though this popularity is, in any case, in the smallest sense, I have activated some odd crippling social anxiety I didn't know existed before.

I, in the most normal of situations, would not hesitate to ask someone about their life, their world, their everything. So why, suddenly, do I feel the need to worry about every little thing?

My sudden burst into this world of knowing-people-who-are-well-known-on-the-internet is weird. I've never felt so worried about everything. Even my stomach begins to flip in circles over the idea of now being socially involved with those whom I previously regarded as having higher stature over me. I never know what to say now, my mind consistently drawing blanks whenever I am addressed. I get these sudden paranoia fits that they think I'm awful or clingy or weird. I panic, in the lightest sense, and never feel accomplished in the conversation. Even long after the conversations are over, I feel like I've just made a complete fool of myself. I can't breathe, my mind goes empty, everything turns black and I just don't know what to do.

So tell me, world, how can a girl who once would never hesitate to make new friends, suddenly be so afraid to be around people? To feel like I was accepted by people I only dreamed of becoming friends with?

I feel like I've achieved the elementary schoolgirl's dream. I'm suddenly in the "popular" crowd. I have made friends with the big kids on the playground, and now all I can think to do is crawl up in a ball and pretend that they can't see me, because if they could, then they'd see how I'm more of an interference than a help to this little group of friends.

Its like I lost all ability to function normally.