...

sometimes when you say that you don't wanna talk about it, what you really want, is someone to want to listen to you for once.

Yup. Its true. :3

I have great news for everyone, but I'm keeping this news from some people before it happens, so you won't get to hear about it here for a while.

But I'm letting you know that there is something that you will be notified about eventually xD

I'll give you a hint. Its college-related.

and its BEAUTIFUL.

Earth, Air, Fire, Water.

No, not an Airbender reference.

More of just... chanting. It calms me, though I have no real religious ties to it.

I had a wonderful story idea, and I started writing it out.

I just took away my main character's ability to hear perfectly. Welcome to the world of half-hearing loss, my dear.

Let's see how this works out.

...I feel sick.

"Depression isn't a sign of weakness. Its a sign of someone being strong for way too long."

I'm not sure who actually said that, but I got it from Angela.

I'm going back on the medication for a little while. I need it.

Please Unicorn

For whomever has heard Sleepyhead by Passion Pit, you understand when I say I have dedicated myself recently to finding out what the heck the voice in the beginning is saying.

I have to say my favorite possible answer came from my friend, Tim Manriquez. We've been hanging out a lot more than usual recently, and its been awesome.

but of course, his answer was something I didn't expect.

I always heard "Asian Mirón" which in Spanish, mirón means "nosy"

Thus, "Nosy Asian"

But of course, Tim came around and told me that he always heard the voice as saying:
"Please Unicorn, eat tacos with me."

Not going to lie, that made me laugh so hard. And because if you listen, its kind of true. To me, its a little bit of a stretch, but its still great. <3

Anyway. That's all I pretty much wanted to post about. I haven't had a lot to talk about lately, so I just figured, why not?

Cinco de Mayo

¡Felíz Cinco de Mayo!~

(Warning, they say the F-word in the video.)

Anyway. Aside from Mexican holidays, today has been great for everyone else, so it seems. I guess I just haven't had much to look forward to. I judged the AF Drama Department's playwright competition, and chose a winner. Being last year's winner, I got to sit down with Mr. J and talk about what our favorite scripts were, and ultimately decide who wins. I got it down to one. I'm really excited to give out the award. The winner I chose really deserves it ;)

Aside from that, I was able to make a piñata during Spanish class today, and, being the nerd I am, convinced the rest of the people in my group, to turn our simple round paper mache figure, into a pokeball. It was awesome. It is currently hanging in the corner of our class room, and really, I can't wait to hear what people say about it. 

I also was able to get most of my work done before today, so pretty much the rest of my day is open for whatever I want to do. I recently got ahold of the 9th season of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, so I'm watching a lot of those. The weather is also nice, so I might go out and roller blade too. The possibilities are endless!

But for some reason, I'm still down in this pit I can't get out of. I think its worse that everyone else seems to be able to be so happy with today, and I know I should be too, but I can't get it out of my mind that things aren't too great. I can't help but have these thoughts run around my head about all the things going wrong right now; things I won't list because they're simultaneously personal and boring to describe.

I don't know. We'll see what happens.

Peace <3

I'm anxious about having an Anxiety Disorder. How's that for Irony?

Double nosebleeds.... two in the last day and a half.


Anyway. Recently life has felt very off-centered, and I simply ignored it because it was easier than facing anything. But now Its starting to hit me. Haaaaard.

I've been told by a friend of mine in AP Psych that the things I described to him sound a lot like an Anxiety disorder, which isn't helpful at all.

I already have a mild history of depression, adding another disorder to the mix is just too much. Next thing you know, they're going to tell me I'm a pathological liar and a psychopath and need to be locked up in some mental hospital for the next twelve years.

Anxiety disorder. Worrying about things you can't control, obsessive, unrelenting thoughts, paranoia....

I know I go through some of these... and not all the time either. Its just awful to think that because I exhibit some of them, I could be labeled with another disorder.

I think the worst thing is, I pretty much know who I can blame it on.

STORY TIME! YES, CHILDREN, GATHER AROUND THE RUG AND LISTEN TO MY FINE TALE~

Okay, I guess it began when I was 15. Obviously, there's a long story even before this, but... That would basically mean I would have to write out my life story, and God knows I've done that so many times in my physical journal that I don't need to do it here too.

I fell in love with a guy who was 21. Oooo Taboo, I know. He was an RM, and the second-to-youngest in a well-known family in the small stake of Upland, California, where I lived most of my life.

We'll call him Dick, because that's what he was, but its also a man's name so I don't feel as bad replacing his real name with it.

Dick and I met at a Stake fundraiser for Girl's camp, in which he was acting the part of a creepy hot dog stand owner from "Enchanted." I was playing Snow White in a different segment.

Here, have a picture. Welcome to 15-year-old Lisa-Land, everybody.

The girl in the Enchanted dress is my friend, Brooke Taylor. She played Giselle in the Enchanted scene. Next to her on the left is some guy who played her Patrick Dempsey. I don't remember his name. And then there's me. Snow White. 

Next to me is Dick. Yes. He's the one making the creepy face over my shoulder. He's also on his knees. He was ridiculously taller than me >___<;;

Anyway, long story short, he liked me too. And quickly we started a very quiet relationship. and by quiet, I mean, we never told anyone about it. We did everything we could to hide it, and I guess that's where the fun came from it. I couldn't help but feel glad to have a secret that everyone was out of the loop for, with exception to my best friend at the time, whom we will call Wendy.

Wendy knew about the relationship, and that was about it. Dick and I kept it very quiet. and for a while it kept things interesting. But then, it turned awful.

He started telling me who I could and could not hang out with. He made me feel worthless. He would make me feel like I was never good enough, Like anything and everything I did was wrong. He would tell me not to talk to my friends simply because he felt like they weren't acceptable. He had never even met them. The worst of the worst came when I finally moved away to Utah, and he still managed to exercise extreme control over me from 700 miles away.

Then a friend of mine threatened suicide if I didn't date him. I didn't tell Dick about it, because I knew he would tell me not to go near my friend, but I value life above all things... I couldn't have someone kill themselves because of me.

Dick ended the relationship with me because he went on my facebook without telling me and read everything I told the suicidal friend, about how I'd go out with him if he didn't do it, and to keep it secret... for fear of what would happen.

This story has so many sub-plots and stuff that I can't/won't go into, but basically, by the end of it, I became a nightmare. I have never since recovered fully. I can't do certain things without thinking negatively of myself. Since then, I've been on and off depression medications.... back and forth between normal and sick... in and out of psychologist's offices.

Now my best friend, Wendy, is stuck in his clutches. I can't help but think that maybe there was something I could have done about it. Having first-hand experienced the hell he put me through... I just... I just wonder if I could have done something about it. Fixed it. Maybe if I hadn't of moved, maybe if I had been a better friend to Wendy when the break up was over, she wouldn't have moved into my place.

I don't know. I secretly hope they get sealed to each other, just so he doesn't have a chance to ruin anyone else, and that way maybe Wendy will learn that he's not a good guy. 

But at the same time, I would never wish that hell on anyone. I guess that's why I'm so tough on people who are overpowering others, in any way. I just... I know what its like.

I wish I could confront him and tell him exactly how I felt. Yes, I made mistakes, but he made more. I squared mine away with my God and now, all I have left to do is square it away with Dick.

I really hope I'm not relapsing again. Pray to whatever deity you believe in that I'm not sick again.

That's all I can ask for at this point.