Anyway. Recently life has felt very off-centered, and I simply ignored it because it was easier than facing anything. But now Its starting to hit me. Haaaaard.
I've been told by a friend of mine in AP Psych that the things I described to him sound a lot like an Anxiety disorder, which isn't helpful at all.
I already have a mild history of depression, adding another disorder to the mix is just too much. Next thing you know, they're going to tell me I'm a pathological liar and a psychopath and need to be locked up in some mental hospital for the next twelve years.
Anxiety disorder. Worrying about things you can't control, obsessive, unrelenting thoughts, paranoia....
I know I go through some of these... and not all the time either. Its just awful to think that because I exhibit some of them, I could be labeled with another disorder.
I think the worst thing is, I pretty much know who I can blame it on.
STORY TIME! YES, CHILDREN, GATHER AROUND THE RUG AND LISTEN TO MY FINE TALE~
Okay, I guess it began when I was 15. Obviously, there's a long story even before this, but... That would basically mean I would have to write out my life story, and God knows I've done that so many times in my physical journal that I don't need to do it here too.
I fell in love with a guy who was 21. Oooo Taboo, I know. He was an RM, and the second-to-youngest in a well-known family in the small stake of Upland, California, where I lived most of my life.
We'll call him Dick, because that's what he was, but its also a man's name so I don't feel as bad replacing his real name with it.
Dick and I met at a Stake fundraiser for Girl's camp, in which he was acting the part of a creepy hot dog stand owner from "Enchanted." I was playing Snow White in a different segment.
Here, have a picture. Welcome to 15-year-old Lisa-Land, everybody.
The girl in the Enchanted dress is my friend, Brooke Taylor. She played Giselle in the Enchanted scene. Next to her on the left is some guy who played her Patrick Dempsey. I don't remember his name. And then there's me. Snow White.
Next to me is Dick. Yes. He's the one making the creepy face over my shoulder. He's also on his knees. He was ridiculously taller than me >___<;;
Anyway, long story short, he liked me too. And quickly we started a very quiet relationship. and by quiet, I mean, we never told anyone about it. We did everything we could to hide it, and I guess that's where the fun came from it. I couldn't help but feel glad to have a secret that everyone was out of the loop for, with exception to my best friend at the time, whom we will call Wendy.
Wendy knew about the relationship, and that was about it. Dick and I kept it very quiet. and for a while it kept things interesting. But then, it turned awful.
He started telling me who I could and could not hang out with. He made me feel worthless. He would make me feel like I was never good enough, Like anything and everything I did was wrong. He would tell me not to talk to my friends simply because he felt like they weren't acceptable. He had never even met them. The worst of the worst came when I finally moved away to Utah, and he still managed to exercise extreme control over me from 700 miles away.
Then a friend of mine threatened suicide if I didn't date him. I didn't tell Dick about it, because I knew he would tell me not to go near my friend, but I value life above all things... I couldn't have someone kill themselves because of me.
Dick ended the relationship with me because he went on my facebook without telling me and read everything I told the suicidal friend, about how I'd go out with him if he didn't do it, and to keep it secret... for fear of what would happen.
This story has so many sub-plots and stuff that I can't/won't go into, but basically, by the end of it, I became a nightmare. I have never since recovered fully. I can't do certain things without thinking negatively of myself. Since then, I've been on and off depression medications.... back and forth between normal and sick... in and out of psychologist's offices.
Now my best friend, Wendy, is stuck in his clutches. I can't help but think that maybe there was something I could have done about it. Having first-hand experienced the hell he put me through... I just... I just wonder if I could have done something about it. Fixed it. Maybe if I hadn't of moved, maybe if I had been a better friend to Wendy when the break up was over, she wouldn't have moved into my place.
I don't know. I secretly hope they get sealed to each other, just so he doesn't have a chance to ruin anyone else, and that way maybe Wendy will learn that he's not a good guy.
But at the same time, I would never wish that hell on anyone. I guess that's why I'm so tough on people who are overpowering others, in any way. I just... I know what its like.
I wish I could confront him and tell him exactly how I felt. Yes, I made mistakes, but he made more. I squared mine away with my God and now, all I have left to do is square it away with Dick.
I really hope I'm not relapsing again. Pray to whatever deity you believe in that I'm not sick again.
That's all I can ask for at this point.
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