This is It.

If there's anything life has taught me the last few days, is that there are some things in life that cannot be changed, though you try and try.

And things that DO change, are meant to be changed, regardless of how much it makes you sad that you're no longer living in the life you had imagined you were in.

My iTunes keeps playing sad songs and although it's very well-placed for my recent moods, it's also rather depressing to think that my iTunes seems to know something about me that I didn't/couldn't exactly teach to it. There always seems to be something human about some objects, doesn't there? I mean, my iTunes currently keeps playing a lot of "I'm alone and sad and junk" music yet I didn't personally turn to my iTunes and say "Hey. I lost a couple friends today. Do you think you could remind me of this every time I hit the next button? Thanks, iTunes." The same seems to apply to my other programs as well.

Photoshop has a tendency to be nicer to me when I'm feeling down, as it usually is such a jerk to me when I'm happy, and it probably helps it sleep at night when it feels like it has helped my mood somehow.  It let me make a few artsy pieces today in light of, as mentioned earlier, losing a couple friends. Skype seemed to want to get out of my way, although Skype has a tendency to do that all the time. Chrome is the soulless one in the group. Chrome seems to work regularly regardless of my mood, running mostly smoothly at essentially every use.

I've long been aware that growing up is a necessary thing and that it requires more than just a mature mind and a drive to make it out there, but it isn't until you're thrown out of a moving bus that makes you realize that it'll never be easier than it was before everything changed.

Things are hard. Money, friends, school. It's harder to make it out there in the real world. I'm slowly learning how close to this edge I am. (And unfortunately for Lady Gaga and I, there is no glory on this edge. And I am not going to be hanging onto this moment long.) I just wish there wasn't someone pushing me. I constantly use this analogy in my journals; I'm like a bird that has just been hatched, and instead of learning how to fly, I've been pushed out of the nest. I have to hope I can figure it out before I slam against the pavement and die.

Death in this case, a representation of essentially leading a miserable life for the rest of eternity.

Cell phone bills, rent, insurance payments....

All looming over me as though a future of hating my job and being miserable is soon to rain like acid through my body.

If there's anything this has taught me, it is that the world sucks, and if I let it, it will drain all the fun out of me.

Well, I'm telling you world, I'm not going down without a fight.

Too Nervous, Can't Sleep.

Tomorrow is Sunday, or rather, Today is Sunday. It's currently 4 AM

and I can't sleep.

Boyface invited me to dinner at his house tomorrow night. It'll be the first time I meet his parents as his girlfriend, as apposed to meeting them as the best friend of their daughter.... odd, right?

But anyway. I'm so nervous and excited, that I find it incredibly difficult to sleep.... But hopefully I'll be able to sleep soon.


Good thing church starts at one.... Phew.

What to Say.

Whenever things get really good for me, I feel like something is wrong. I don't know how it happens, but whenever I feel really happy for an extended period of time, I start feeling like something is just going to go wrong and tear down whatever it is that has made me happy. I honestly can't explain it. Maybe I'm just oddly hormonal. Maybe I'm just used to having to barely make it along, and now that I'm actually enjoying life, I feel out of place. It's incredibly self destructive, and I'm trying to work out of it.

I guess I'm just stuck in a huge rut. Not going to school and not having a job has really put a damper on my esteem. I think once I get moving again, I'll feel better, but for now, I'm just... I feel a little lost.

I don't know. Aghh... D;

In better news, I've taken up my drawing projects back up a little more, and I hope to be a little more active in my art. I've been doing a lot of fashion design and such. I'd love to design wedding gowns for a living <3

The Woman's Post.

If you are a male, or are easily offended by talk of periods and other things that women have to endure, then I suggest you leave now. If you are okay with reading about those kinds of things, then I fully endorse you reading this blog post.

Some women are born lucky, I guess. Some women are not.

It's amazing how many men don't realize exactly how painful a woman's period can be. I'm not asking for special treatment just because I feel like it, but maybe, just maybe, I'm going through incredible pain and literally feel almost incapacitated to do anything myself. Some men just don't realize how bleeding just... sucks... I mean, imagine when you get a bloody nose. Yeah those suck, don't they? now imagine having that all the time for five days, possibly longer, and still being expected to function at a normal everyday level. Not only that, but hey! You also have to feel like your pelvis just got in a fist fight with a sumo wrestler and lost.

Not to mention, the only time you WON'T have your period, is when you're pregnant, which I hear is one of the worst pains to feel.

I swear. It seems like women have to deal with all the bodily pain and most men only think about how hard their lives are. </rant>

Why I Identify with Rapunzel.

The Disney Princesses, and other notable characters, have been notable parts of my life since I was a child, beginning with the simple joy of watching television with my grandparents. As I grew older, the princesses began meaning less to me. For a while, life became about worrying, worrying about everything I couldn't control. Junior high happened. Anyone who has been through Junior High knows. It will strip you of your childhood.

Anyway. When I got into high school and things in my life began to turn even worse than they were before, I found my method of coping came from cute things. This is when I fell in love with lolita fashion, which, if you google that, make sure you don't go toward the book. Because then you'll end up with a book about child rape. If you look for the fashion, you'll get the fashion.

Lolita fashion made me feel better about things I couldn't control.

And soon that molded into a love for princesses, and feeling like a princess.

Specifically, I tend to identify with Sleeping Beauty and Rapunzel, Rapunzel moreso than Aurora, but those two seem to be my... Guardian Princesses? I guess?

Sleeping Beauty was more of an envy thing. I've had sleep issues since the day I was born, and my nickname as a kid was always Sleeping Beauty. Somehow this worked.

But anyway. When Tangled came out, I found myself relating to her mother-daughter issues. Her seclusion...

I'm not really able to go into details. and I've basically just pulled an all-nighter, so I don't imagine any of this makes a wink of sense, but Rapunzel is kind of... the princess I am. I've loved having my hair long for ever. I cried when I had to cut it short. I love it when people brush my hair, and I've always been one to feel pressured by my mother. Now, granted, my relationship with my mother isn't necessarily that bad, but we have our moments.

Anyway. this probably makes more sense to me. I don't feel like doing anything else with this. Just thought I'd bring up the fact that I identify with Rapunzel.

Also, I associate my friends with princesses occasionally too. Amanda is Anastasia Romanov. Even though historically, she died with the rest of her family. I mean the Fox Movie Anastasia.

<3

So... I have some news...

I guess I have a boyfriend now. His name is Jared Dalton.

I know just stating that is a kind of anti-climactic way of bringing it up, but this relationship has really thrown me for a loop. The story of us coming together is so odd and strange, that honestly, I'm kind of surprised that this is happening now. Although we're not yet "facebook official" (which I think is a stupid thing to get worried about.) We plan to relatively soon, once he tells his family. Because. I mean, who wants to find out their brother/son/step son is in a relationship... through facebook?

But anyway. Since not many people frequent my blog, and those who do are my close friends (<3) I figured it wouldn't do much harm to talk about this. I don't know that his family reads my blog, and the only one who might, pretty much already knows. So.

To talk about this, I'm going to give an account of how we met, not because I feel like gloating to the single world, but because it is truly a story of... strangeness and questions I can't answer.

I moved back to American Fork, Utah from California on the day after Christmas. For a while, I didn't do a whole lot but spend a lot of time with family. It was the holidays, and my brother's birthday is five days after Christmas, and then finally came New Year's.

No I didn't kiss him on New Year's. That would have made EVERYTHING so much simpler. As a matter of fact, he wasn't at my New Year's party. I hung out with a couple friends and played Harry Potter-themed Clue and watched Cee Lo Green butcher a good song.

I actually didn't meet him until New Year's Day, which was a Sunday. It was my first Sunday in a single's ward, so I decided to tag along with my two friends from the night before.

And of course, Jared happened to be a relatively new friend I just hadn't met before I moved. My two friends introduced us, and he began asking questions. Not like, your average "where are you from and what's your name?" type questions, but like... "What's your life like at home? What's your story?"

I love to talk. Well. I love to talk to people that seem interested. But I didn't know what to say. Sometimes my home life stories tend to scare people off, so I kind of kept it at a level where he got enough information, yet didn't know much at all about my life.

I was actually meeting him so I could help one of my two friends go out with him. She had told me, while I was living in California, that she had a crush on him, and I had given her what advice I could from afar, but it hadn't seemed to been working. I was meeting him so I could figure out why he wasn't receptive to her advances, then let my friend know, and then move on with my life.

Well it didn't end up working out that way, obviously. I will admit, I was interested in him simply because I had heard much about him long before I met him. He is my best friend's older step brother, so I knew of him for a long time before actually meeting him. Though I knew of him, I was only interested to the extent that I knew my friend was crushing, probably pretty hard, and he was a guy that was quite obviously going to be in our friendship circle for a while.

As it turns out, he became interested in me when I started messaging him on facebook. I'm the kind of girl who likes long conversations. They don't happen with everyone, but it came naturally for us. We had a lot to talk about. We both came from broken families, first off, which seems to be a big conversation piece. Not to say that we were comparing situations, but when you've been in a domestic disaster like those can be, you just want someone to understand. I don't think it's physically possible for someone to know what a separation is like unless they've lived through it. Even if your parents hated each other, it's almost better than watching everything fall apart at the seams.

Jared and I got to talking about it. Then we got to talking about other things. and many other things. And eventually we had a conversation that expanded across a hundred different topics and yet we still were able to keep talking for a long time.

It was then I started to remember my friend. I had to work that in somehow so I could find out this guy's mind. I basically had been sent to find out if he liked her, and then report back to my friend about it, so I arranged for the three of us to hang out. That could be done.

We watched a movie at my house. Jared gets super cuddly at times, so he put his arms around the both of us, the three amigos sitting on my basement couch watching a movie.

After the movie, my friend had to go home. I decided now could be a good time to ask him about her, because she had just left and the topic could be considered relevant if I just randomly brought her up in the middle of conversation.

I asked about her, with a heavy response. No, he says, he isn't interested in being anything more than just friends... with my friend.

It was heart breaking. I love my friends. It was kind of a shock, actually, because this friend of mine is a really good and interesting person, and I kind of figured he'd go for her at some point.

To try and make this less grueling to go through, I'm going to shorten the rest of it.

Basically over time, he and I started hanging out, and I kept attempting to get him to like her. It wasn't until just this last weekend, when he was at my house basically all the time, that I realized what was going on. He kept coming over not because he was interested in me talking about how he could probably date my friend if he wanted, he was interested in ME.

I had already broken the news to my friend a while earlier, and at this point, It had become almost completely pointless to keep trying. I gave in. I let myself like him. and now here we are.

Do I feel bad about it? yes and no. Yes, because I didn't ask for my friend to like him as well, no, because I tried to change his mind, but I couldn't. Do I feel bad for going after him now? No. Plain and simple. I can't change the way he feels, and at this point in my life, he makes me happy. I'm going to go for what makes me happy.

Jared is an excellent person. He's just... great :) we might have no idea how we ended up in this crazy relationship, but I like being here. It somehow works. I hope this lasts for a while. This guy is definitely a keeper <3

Generally, I don't like it when couples are like "OH MY GOODNESS THIS IS OUR SONG <3" but I will admit that the songs "Your Song" and "Starry Eyed", both by Ellie Goulding, remind me of him EVERY SINGLE TIME.

<3 Lisa!

Things that Bother Me about Weddings.

I really don't want to turn this blog into a thing where I just complain constantly. I am not a person who likes to complain about stupid things, so these last few blog posts are merely out of being in the mood to complain about a specific thing.

Today we're going to complain about the things that bug me during weddings.

Having worked as a caterer for my aunt for a long time, I've been to countless weddings for strangers and family members alike. I have seen a couple that I felt were absolutely perfect, and a few that needed work...

And then I see things that completely break my internal bridal rules. Being a self-titled bridal fashionista, I have tried to figure out for myself how this whole bridal scene works, especially in terms of dresses and colors and things like that, so...

I couldn't plan you a wedding, but I can sure as heck tell you when you're probably doing something wrong.

So here, inspired by the fact that someone I know broke most of my rules, here's my list of ...
THINGS THAT BOTHER ME ABOUT WEDDINGS.

1. Bridesmaids/Maid of Honor dresses that look like you just came from the prom.

There is a difference between a Bridesmaids dress and going to your senior prom, and it bothers me when people don't know the difference. Prom is about shiny things. Making yourself look stunning in bright colors and vibrant make up. Unless you're having like... a neon-colored, shiny'd-out, prom-themed wedding, (Which I hope you're not.) then your bridesmaids dresses shouldn't be satin, over the top, or distracting.

I think my favorite example of bridesmaids dresses gone right is this picture I found on Pinterest:

I love how the colors don't exactly match, but they work well together, and the bridesmaids don't overshadow the bride (Except maybe that one in the coral dress. But I think that's just because she's the only blonde and she's also the tallest. Y'can't change that...)


2. Girls who wear Converse under their dress because they think it's "So Me!"

For a while, this practice was pretty out there and... for lack of a better word, "hipster" to do. But now? It's become about as common as the bouquet and the rings. This DRIVES. ME. CRAZY.

I understand wanting to be comfortable on your wedding day. And for a while, the Converse idea was a-okay. I actually liked it the first time I saw it and thought it was a kind of fun way to make a wedding seem more fun than like a fancied-up business party. Now? It's been done. Time and time again. It just makes me think you tried to make your wedding unique and fun, but you weren't creative enough to think of something else.

To remedy this,  I recommend OffBeat Bride. Search "shoes" and you'll find HUNDREDS of different shoe choices that maybe you didn't realize you could do. Some are absolutely gorgeous but painful, and others are simple and comfortable. I actually recommend this website for a lot of things, but not for a traditional wedding, for sure.

Personally, I already know I'm going to have a nice pair of Victorian ankle boots at my wedding. It just is going to happen.

3. Girls who have no idea how to pick a good wedding dress, and mothers who encourage it.

There's usually a lot of hype over girls finding "The One." and I'm not talking about Mr. Right. I mean Ms. Perfect Dress. Have you noticed that? It's always the pressure about finding the man, then finding the dress.

I believe each girl should get acquainted with her own body type and figure out what style of dress works with it. This is actually what prompted me to do this blog post. I met a girl who had a terrible dress choice, and I honestly believe it's because she knows little to nothing about her body type, or dresses for that matter.

She chose a mermaid style gown, a shape which is notorious for being curve-flattering and sexy.

This girl is not curvy. She's a gorgeous girl, but she is not curvy. Not to mention, the mermaid style fell really flat on the bottom, like the tulle underneath couldn't hold up the dress. She looked like a massive white post. And aside from that, the fabric was satin, a shiny prom-dress fabric. (See #1). I hate satin. It's a terrible fabric. It makes everything look cheap and shiny. In this case? Shiny is not good.

The mothers who encourage it are ALMOST worst. Mothers are supposed to tell their daughters when their dress makes them look like a board. But if the mother is even less informed than the daughter, then you basically end up with a lose-lose situation. You get a white prom dress that gives you no shape, and a random girl on the internet complaining about how she hates your wedding dress.

(For the girl who actually got married, I love her to death. And she married the perfect guy for her. In the end, that's all that really matters anyway. I might not like half of their wedding pictures, but that doesn't particularly matter in the end.)

I'm posting a picture of a wedding dress I think would have done my friend much better than the one she got. She's LDS so, of course it'll be from LatterDayBride.com

A ballgown shape would have given her a little more shape, but this one isn't over the top ball gown, so she still would get the simplicity she wanted. The true waist would have helped her out a lot more too.

Anyway.  I could probably go on for hours on this topic, but I'm gonna go do dishes and then eat my late lunch.