There's not much to say.

Except for life is boring.
I have so much on my mind lately, that taking the effort to talk it all out is just too much.

but to give you a slight run-down of it, here's some questions that regard some of what I'm going through.

1. Have you ever felt like someone thinks that you have a crush on them when you don't? Like, they think you're creepy because they think you love them, but in actuality, you're just kind of a creepy person like that?

2. When is graduation and when will this be over?

3. Can I go to bed now?

4. Has a certain someone been plaguing your mind, but is totally blowing you off whenever you try to talk to them?

5. Do people keep asking you about your relationship status?

6. Do you remember WHY you hate talking about your relationship status?

7. Are you musically drained?

Literally, I haven't been able to find a song that I can put on repeat for more than a few hours. Its so sad. OH so sad :(

anyway
I'm off for now.

Personality Tests.

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

I basically love them.

I'm an ENFP. for those of you who want to know.

If you take the test above, post what your result is. :) And, don't bother buying the results. You can seriously just google "ENFP" or "INTJ" or whatever result you get.

POST YOUR RESULT!

<3 Lisa

Tonight Begins the Runaway

Tonight is the first night of my Runaway season. I know how that sounds. Confusing, but let me explain.

This is Runaway, by Thriving Ivory.

I didn't hear about this song until about March of 2010, but long before that, in about July or August of 2009, I would leave my new house and just go out and look at the stars in the middle of the night.

I would usually leave without telling anyone and just walk up to the park near my house. It was up on top of the hill my neighborhood was kind of built on, and actually, is famous for being the best place to sled during the winter. During the summer, however, I'd stand up on the top of the playground equipment and could see the whole city, as well as the stars, in just one horizontal gaze.

I heard this song and connected to it quickly. Having come from California, understanding running away simply to look at the stars and escape reality for a little while, just... touched me, in a way.

Of course, winter months make it hard to find the desire to leave in the middle of the night. But now that winter has been, mostly, chased away, I find the ability to simply leave is easier.

I don't know if my mom ever found out that I would just leave. And if she did, I don't think she cares.

Regardless, It seems that my Runaway season has picked back up again. Things have been quite stressful.

I find myself fearing a person in my life. I know I don't trust a lot of people anyway, simply because that's how I am, but... She's different. I can't trust her, PERIOD. I like her. She's a nice person, sometimes. But when she tells you exactly how you're feeling without you even uttering a word, I feel slightly intrigued and yet slightly disturbed.

Its like she has unwarranted access to my mind. I don't hate it, but I don't like it either.

Anyone who knows me well enough would know that I fear that beyond all reason.

No one should know what goes inside my mind.

Cut Off.

You know what's funny? I've been lied to in almost every relationship I've ever had...
It ALMOST doesn't surprise me that he chose to do this to me.

Its like when you love someone enough to believe them blindly. Yeah. Its exactly like that.

Jared, you shouldn't lead someone on if you don't give a care for them anymore. Simple as that. Yes. I'm upset, because all this time, I've been lied to. For a month straight, I've been lied to.

So that's why I'm cutting him off. You don't lead someone on, treat them like they don't exist, then have your parents tell them that you need space. Jared, you kind of screwed up.

You can have me again when you come home from your mission, if you want. But I'm not going to say a single word to you.

And please leave sooner than later, that way I can hang out with your awesome family without you messing everything up and making it awkward.

I like you enough to be friends with you, but my dear, you can't lie to me and get away with it.

Lie to me, and you'll get a fist to the face.

On that note, I read a question I answered from my formspring about a year ago. It made me laugh. Oh past me, I love you.

"HOW DO YOU ASK SOMEBODY IF THEY WANT TO BE YOUR GF/BF?

YOU PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE WITH A RING THAT SAYS IT, THEN WHEN THEY LOOK IN THE MIRROR, THEY'LL SEE YOU WANT THEM."

Peeeeaaace.

Be My Friend?

Table of Contents:

1. Breathe Me

2. Memories and Music

1. Breathe Me, by Sia. This song will become important later. So look it up at some point, and play it as you read Part 2. For right now, until I change it, it's in the playlist on the right. CLICK ON IT. I'm currently attached to this song. I'll explain why later.

2. Memory, for me, is a very crucial part of existence. I love keeping my personal journal because of it. I want to remember everything, no matter how obscure. I just want to keep my past alive in some ways, not because I thrive on bad memories (which I don't.) BUT its because I've learned so much from my past. Keeping a journal is like taking notes in class. There's no way you can just memorize the material instantly.

Tonight, I went over to ex-boyfriend-but-current-best-friend-in-the-world's house. His name is Jared. His mom, Dy, wanted to see my prom pictures. I decided I'd just stop by for a little bit, just show her the pictures and then leave. But no. Like the idiot I am, I stayed. 

NOW. Play that song. You'll need it. 

Jared had left the family room, where I was showing Dy the pictures. I looked at her, and asked if she minded if I went and saw him. She said it was fine, and so I promptly went down to his room. He was lying face down into his pillows, and after I called his name, he sat up. I couldn't help but just... look at him... just beg him to hold me using only my eyes and my sheer desire to feel him hug me like he meant it...

I sat next to him on the corner of his bed, and tried to make small talk. It failed quickly.

Not before long, I had put his arm around me, and he had his cheek against my forehead, stroking my hair and telling me it was okay. I didn't know what had happened. Had I blacked out? It wouldn't have been surprising. I black out rather often, just mindlessly losing random pieces of my day. But this was different. I felt my face. I had been crying, the hot sticky tears soaking my jacket sleeves and the small patch on his shirt where my face had occasionally rubbed. He kept whispering to me. I didn't know what else to do but keep crying; to keep listening to him try and hold in my soul as his hug around me gripped tighter. 

Or was that me gripping on him? Honestly, I don't think it matters. I just tried with ever fiber of my being to not spill out my entire body and liquify over him. 

Do you ever feel that way? Its an odd feeling, where you're collapsing so much, emotionally, inside, that your physical organs are just going to melt and leak out your skin. That's how it feels to me. My body shakes, aches, destroys itself inside and out.

Now I bet you're wondering (yes keep playing the song.) where I'm going with this, but trust me, its okay. Its going somewhere.

This song, Breathe Me, by Sia, wouldn't leave my head. I couldn't stop hearing the lines, "Be my friend, hold me, wrap me up...."

This is an example of how I record memories. I can't stop picturing that moment... His hand on my head, slowly running his fingers over my hair and whispering to me that it was okay.

Now, forever in music, will I have this memory. Its like how other songs remind me of other things. I link them to songs. Some of them are unintentional. This one turned out to be an accident turned alright.

Now what did I learn here? That its okay to cry out your soul in the arms of a guy who broke up with you a month ago and seems to be doing better than ever without you? No, my friends. I learned something greater...

I learned that sometimes, you have to let go without letting go. Let me explain.

It seems with me, I'm either on or off. I like you, I don't like you, I hate you, I love you, I want you, I need you, I wish you'd die, I wish you'd come back... etc. 

But sometimes we have to force ourselves into a grey area. I know as humans, we don't like to be uncertain about our future. But...

I learned that I have to be comfortable with walking on a tightrope, I have to be okay with not knowing the future or not knowing if Jared and I are going to be okay with being just friends. 

I'll stop now. This post has dragged on a bit, hasn't it?

Prom and Other Things

God these acrylics hurt. Seriously, acrylic nails will be the death of me. I've had them once before, but that time was in about 7th grade, back when I had a nail-biting problem, and chewed them off, pretty much, later in the day after having them put on.

Prom was tonight. I loved it! I went with my friend Matt. I decided to go with a 50's theme, since my dress wasn't exactly a "Prom" dress.

Quite fun, quite fun. Strollin' along~

Anyway. I know I'm not the best at updating, but I felt like making a post for tonight. It was prom night! I HAVE to report on that!

Gaaah... Its such a pain to type... anyway...

We went with our group to a fancy restaurant. Like, fine dining, fancy. I used to do a table setting competition every year at a fair in LA, not to mention, I catered weddings where tables needed to be set, so I knew how the setting worked. Otherwise, I think I would have died. People who didn't know how the cups and forks were supposed to be set, accidentally took other people's silverware or drinks and things got confusing. I was able to keep mine to myself, thank God. 

Then we actually got to the dance. It was only from 8 to 11, so when we showed up at 9:45, I felt kind of sad. I mean, we only were going to stay for an hour and fifteen minutes before they kicked everyone out? Talk about not much time. Taking out the time you would probably need for water breaks, removing heels and flowers and jackets, and getting those items back before 11, You've got about maybe a good 45 minute window of pure party spirit. Not a whole lot, compared to how I usually do dances, be they school sponsored or otherwise. Once we got to the actual dance hall, however, I was glad it was 45 minutes. The place was so packed, that people were huddled together like penguins in the Antarctic. 

You could hardly move without someone jabbing something into your side. Or, if you had taken off your heels, jabbing something into your face. I accidentally stepped on a girl's dress without realizing it, and I'm pretty sure I ripped part of it. When the song quieted, I heard a slight tearing noise as she walked off, and I felt something move from under my foot.

Anyway. I also saw a lot of my friends. And a few people who don't like me. But that's another story for another day.

<3 Lisa 

REMEMBER ME?

To my Almost Lover:

Yeah you, Remember me? That girl that you gave your life to?  You know, the one that you loved for so long because you finally felt free of your chains when you met her? Well guess what, She's here. I'm right here. I never really left. I've been standing right behind you while you've been talking about how you have a lot of problems you don't know how to fix, or just can't fix. Look, I love you dearly. I love you so much, that I'm not even sure how to state exactly how much I love you. Regardless of whether or not that love is platonic, I'm still here. Where did YOU go?

I can tell you. You went to hell and back. You saw the edges of the earth and walked around them, full knowing that you could push yourself off of them and die, end whatever it is we started. You would just have to face the results wherever you went, and God only knows how much easier they'd be if you weren't here. But no, you survived, just like I knew you would, and just like you hoped would happen.

But guess what, Its not enough just to survive anymore. You have to breathe. Going through the pain you're going through is like being stabbed. It, quite literally, FEELS like a stab to the chest cavity, even for me, and I'm just WATCHING you deteriorate. If you get stabbed, you can still live. You're still surviving. But you'd be a damned fool to not go to the hospital with a six inch blade sticking out between your ribs. The same thing happens emotionally. You can sit there and take the bleak future, the completely necessary break up, the year-long wait, and all your troubles and you can pretend that you haven't been hurt. All you're doing is letting the blade rust out your insides, poison your blood until you can't feel anymore, and eventually, the disease that kills you is your own insanity.

Get help, please. Its not something I can do for you, though you know I desperately wish I could. You can't keep walking around on the brink of something terrible simply because you think you don't need it. I'm here to tell you that you DO need it. You're not yourself. The light in your eyes that I fell in love with is gone. You say its there, just recovering, but I know its not. You don't act like you. Today, I held you close, and told you to get help. You couldn't look in my eyes. When you finally did, I saw a flicker of that light. I know you're in there.

I know you can come home.