October 3rd, 2010
"I guess life has been interesting. I'll feel good for an hour before I rememeber that its the drugs that make me feel like that. Then I sit there and wonder how much of my life is a lie, all while still obeying the cap on my emotional odometer. I hate it. I don't know what I'm doing anymore."
October 9th, 2010
"You know that feeling you get when you know you should feel bad for someone but you frankly don't give a flying f*** if they're happy or sad? I told you I'd write today. I bet you thought I wouldn't, but the joke's on you, because I DID. So suck on that. Remember that time I took that asian girl's seaweed? I took the wrong bus that day. I hate my medication. I can't feel anymore. The only thing I feel is the disgust I have for it, and even then, its not enough to get me to stop taking it."
I'm returning to this. The anti-depressants, that is.
Its awful, its like turning on the hose full blast, while putting a clamp on the end of it so only a little bit of water comes out at a time.
But you never burst. You just have to wait until you can turn off the water, until the creatures in the night go away, and the bad news stops coming. Then you can take off the clamp and hope you can handle the after-pill nausea and not vomit out your organs for a week or so while your body adjusts.
Its a nightmare, but it stops the pain.
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